The Daily Journey & Journal of Aeryn Sun
by Ephitania
Summary: Aeryn must come to grips with her own emotions after John is sucked through a wormhole


Disclaimer:  
All original characters property of Henson and Company  
  
Rating:  
NC-13  
  
Summary:  
Aeryn has to learn to deal with her inner feelings and emotions after Crichton is sucked through the wormhole  
  
  
  
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The Daily Journey & Journal Of Officer Aeryn Sun  
Ephitania  
Copyright 2002   
  
  
  
  
  
"I had this life, I liked it, it had rules...I followed the rules...and made everything right. And then you come along and you frell everything up. This strange human, with arrogance, stubbornness...you are like a plague, John Crichton and you have ruined my life-And yet I just keep coming back.  
  
-Aeryn Sun  
"Green eyed Monster"  
  
  
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THE JOURNEY-  
"From the cell to the hall"  
  
  
"Get up...get up Aeryn." Aeryn jumped, startled by the voice drumming through her head. She responded out of irritation. "Shut up and leave me alone".  
  
The voice continued. "Get out of the bed, Officer Sun!"  
  
"Officer Sun, Ha! I haven't been Officer Sun in cycles!" Aeryn muttered. Pushing herself to her elbows she pushed the hair from her face in exasperation.  
  
"Doesn't matter! You still have to get up." The voice continued on. "Now!"  
  
"Why? Why does it matter? Will things change if I get up and walk out there? Will he be there?" Aeryn demanded of the voice.  
  
"No he won't but that doesn't change either way! He's gone, face facts! John Crichton is NOT coming back."  
  
"STOP IT! GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE!"  
  
"I'm you, I can't leave. Furthermore I won't! Now deal with it!" The voice continued. Now get your eema out of that bed and carry on in the true Peacekeeper way."  
  
  
"I told you to go. If you won't go then at least SHUT THE FRELL UP!" Aeryn retort vibrated through her quarters.   
  
"I will, when you move..." The voice chided.  
  
"Fine...!" Aeryn rolled out of her bed and made her way to the bathing chamber.  
  
Standing under the tepid spray, she stared in bemusement at the colorful prisms, the water created. Chuckling she spoke again. "John would have..."  
  
The voice interrupted. "John would have what?" When Aeryn said nothing the voice continued. "You can't finish? Why?"  
  
"I thought you were going to shut up!" Aeryn snapped.  
  
"So I lied! Kill me!" was the response.  
  
Aeryn simply bowed her head and laughed aloud. "I'm talking to myself, I've lost my frelling mind."  
  
"You haven't lost anything Aeryn Sun." The voice whispered.  
  
"You're wrong you know...I have ...I have lost everything for the second time." Aeryn stepped out of the shower.  
  
"And so now you've decided to bow out of life. That's not the Aeryn Sun I know." The voice had changed so suddenly. Aeryn's head snapped up searching. "John?"  
  
The voice once again Aeryn's retorted. "No! He's gone! Now get dressed!"  
  
"Oh what, now you've decided to throw a FRELLING party in my head?" Aeryn smacked her forehead in defiance. She shook her mind clear and began to dress. Fumbling with her pants, she was forced to sit on the edge of the bed for support. "Oh for the love of Chulnak! I can't even put my pants on!" She dropped the pants, lowered her head and sat still for a moment. It wasn't long before the lone figure began to tremble and shake. Tears, anger, frustration, hurt and sobs all became one. Aeryn needed a release, snatching at the pants she flung them across the cell. "FRELL YOU John CRICHTON!  
  
The voice was back. "Feel better?"  
  
"No! No I don't." Aeryn's shoulders drooped in misery. "So you've got all of the answers, what do I do now? I use to know...get up. Report for duty. Assignment briefings, field resourcefulness exercises. Now what? Debate with D'Argo? Fight with Chiana? Beat Rygel? Play twenty questions with Sukozu? Or help Nuranti cook? I don't think so! I don't even like half of them!" Aeryn reached for her pants, this time managing to get them on, without breaking her neck. She grabbed a vest and snapped it on. She stared for a moment at her midriff, remembering a set of male hands caressing her skin. She closed her eyes in the ecstasy of remembrance.  
  
"You don't have the luxury Aeryn. Finish dressing!" The voice instructed.  
  
Aeryn pulled her hair up into a pony and stood expectantly in the center of her quarters.   
  
"Expecting something? Or someone?" The voice snickered.  
  
"Why won't you leave me alone? Why won't you just go away?" Aeryn whispered, trying to keep the tidal wave of tears from falling again. If they started again she might never stop.  
  
"Because if I leave Aeryn Sun, you will waste away, simply cease to exist." The voice answered. "Now put your boots on and leave the room. Go and have a meal. You'll feel better."  
  
"No I won't." she reached for her boots, tugged them on and walked to the cell door. She stopped, reluctant to make any further move.  
  
"Well? What are you waiting for? Must I tell you everything?" When Aeryn made no move, the voice continued. "Fine then! Open the door Aeryn and walk out into the hall."  
  
Aeryn sighed heavily, shaking her head. "I can't...not yet! I can't talk... I don't want to. I just want to be alone."   
  
"Why? So you can continue to mourn and sulk? We've been down this road before Aeryn." The voice answered quietly then fell silent.  
  
The next words seemed to come from outside of her head; "Do I need to force you to leave this cell Aeryn?"  
  
Aeryn jerked around, her eyes widening at the sight of herself. "Who...What...where did you...?"  
  
"Who? I' you Aeryn. What am I doing here? To guide you? Where did I come from?" the mirror Aeryn leaned forward and tapped Aeryn's forehead with her index finger. "I came from here."  
  
"Well go back! I don't want you here!" Aeryn stepped away from the offending digit.  
  
"Matters not! You don't want me here! I don't want to be here either! But you see, you need me here. So here I'll stay."  
  
Aeryn simply stared, then giggled. "Frell! I'm fighting myself!"  
  
Mirror Aeryn smiled in return. "Who makes a better opponent?" The smiled vanished as quickly as it had come. "Open the door Aeryn."  
  
Aeryn frowned, anger boiling. "Aaarrgh! You want it opened so badly, you open it!"  
  
"You know better than that Aeryn."  
  
"Fine!" Aeryn opened the door, but didn't move to walk through. Her breathing increased and her heart began to pound. She felt the blood rushing to her head. "Please don't make me go out there. I can't do it, not yet." She sounded almost childish.  
  
"I know it's hard Aeryn. It's easier to sit in your quarters and dream of days past and days that could have been. It doesn't help matters that you've moved into [I]his[/I] quarters. But you have to face it Aeryn. John Crichton is gone. You don't know where that wormhole may have spit him out. , if it did! Regardless of all of that, [I]you[/I] must go on. It's not just you anymore",  
  
"Why? Why do I have to go on? John didn't!"  
  
"You don't know that! You don't know anything regarding John's outcome at all. But I don't need to tell you why it's important that you continue on. You could have told him the truth...but you didn't...so afraid." The mirror Aeryn nudged. "Stop stalling girl and move!"  
  
Aeryn dug her heels in and stared out at the hall as though it was the opening to hell. I can't! Please not yet! I just...I just want to be alone.  
  
Mirror Aeryn sighed. " You've been in this room for over ten solar days, Aeryn. You have to leave before your mind shuts down and you are unable to."   
  
"Please just one more day of piece, as long as I'm in here...he's in here with me. Out there he doesn't exist...he's gone. But here..." Aeryn allowed the tears to fall again. "I just want..need one more solar day, please."  
  
"Fine Aeryn Sun, we will try again tomorrow. Close the door and go and lie down." The mirror Aeryn gave in reluctantly. She knew that if Aeryn didn't leave this room soon, she never would, nor would she find the peace she searched for.   
  
Aeryn closed the door and shuffled over to the bed. She didn't bother to remove her boots as she fell across the bed. The simple battle of dressing and trying to leave the security of her cell had been too much for her. The mirror Aeryn stared down at the quaking figure. "Yes Aeryn Sun we will try again tomorrow." She reached down to smooth her hair, then simply vanished, leaving Aeryn alone once again.  
  
The only sound in the cell; a whisper. "Why John? What do I do now, now that you've gone away from me again". The tearful statement ended in sobs.  
  
  
  
JOURNAL-  
"Hidden Feelings"  
  
"I hope, I'm using this thing right." Aeryn spoke into John's recorder.   
  
"I tried to leave our quarters today...our quarters, hmmm. I didn't tell you that I moved my things into your quarters. The others think I've gone farbot. But they don't understand. I need to be here."  
  
"Of course, they might think I'm farbot, because I haven't been able to leave our quarters for over ten solar days."  
  
"Why do the care? They don't need me for anything. Not the way I needed you...needed you for everything. I guess I could've told you but...I didn't"  
  
"I get so tired of them always coming me...Aeryn, are you okay? Do you need anything Aeryn? How are you fee-ling Aeryn?"  
  
F-e-e-l-i-n-g, fee-ling...is that how you say it in Ing-lish, John?"  
  
Ing-lish, another frelling useless language. Why learn it if the only person who understands it is gone?"  
  
"I'm so angry with you John, I could just..."  
  
"I don't know what I'd do. I just want you back!"  
  
"You once said, that you would trust me with your life but not your heart and at the time I couldn't understand, but now I do. And you know something.... You were right, but that works both ways John. Every time I decide that maybe it's okay to let go and love, you leave me! I keep giving my heart and you KEEP breaking it, destroying me in the processes! you once said that about fate, but this time it's you, not fate doing the destroying."  
  
"You demanded everything. I was willing, but in the end you weren't...and I understand that...Truly I do! But just once couldn't I have come first, before your frelling wormholes. Wasn't I more important? You were always searching for home. Wasn't this home...here with me? No I guess not! Your search for home was primary and now I'm alone!"  
  
"I'm tired now John. I can't keep doing this, anymore. The pieces of my heart that you took with you through that wormhole are yours to keep. Perhaps they will remind you of me in your pursuit for happiness. I pray that you find all you seek, my love."  
  
"Good night John". She clicked off the recorder and stared out at the stars.  
  
Pilot's voice broke the silence of the room. "Officer Sun, Aeryn?"  
  
"Yes Pilot?" Aeryn answered, barely above a whisper, yet Pilot heard her clearly.  
  
"Moya and I were wondering..."  
  
"Yes, Pilot?" Somehow she didn't mind Pilot's interruption into her sanctuary.  
  
"We were wondering if you would come up and sit with us?" He asked the same questioned he'd asked everyday for the past five solar days.   
  
Aeryn answered, never taking her eyes away from the stars; never blinking. "Not today Pilot, tell Moya I'm sorry. Maybe tomorrow".  
  
Both Pilot and the mirror Aeryn spoke in unison. "Yes Aeryn Sun, perhaps tomorrow." Neither hearing the other, but Aeryn heard them both.  
  
For the first time, since Crichton had vanished through the wormhole, Pilot smiled. Where before Aeryn had simply ignored him, now she'd given him an answer.  
  
Time...... 


End file.
